Dan Vs Christianity
by liamdude5
Summary: As usual, things just don't seem to be going Dan's way. This time, it seems to be Christianity's fault. So, Dan thinks it's time to make Christianity pay. Rated PG 13 for language, religious content, and mild sexuality.
1. Introduction

**Just to let everyone know, I am a Christian. I wrote this story because I thought it'd be funny to see Dan fight something like Christianity. The only reason I used some debatably blasphemous words and/or phrases is because I feel that's how Dan would react in the situation.**

The middle of the night is a popular time for Los Angeles residents to sleep. For Dan and Chris, however, this was an ideal time for revenge. This particular revenge ended with Dan and Chris exiting a gym.

"Ah," Dan sighed, "Another day, another fine act of vengeance."

"Yeah," Chris sighed, "I still don't see how locking a bunch of fat people in a gym overnight is supposed to combat obesity."

"Obviously," Dan explained, "They're going to finally make use of the machines in there to lose weight. I win and obesity loses. I mean, what else could they do in there all night?"

This sentence is immediately followed by a gym window breaking and multiple fat people running out of it.

"Eh," Dan shrugged, "At least they're getting exercise."

Dan and Chris continue walking, but are stopped by a priest.

"Excuse me, sir," the priest asked, "Have you heard the good news?"

"I have," Dan giggled, "I can't wait for the government to finally kick all the illegal immigrants out of the country either."

"Uh," the priest stamnered, "No. I meant the other good news. The one about our Lord Jesus dying for our sins."

"Wait," Dan questioned, "If he's our Lord, that means he's an immortal God. So, how exactly can he die? These religious nuts, I swear."

Dan and Chris continued walking until they finally reached Chris' car.

"Hey," Chris asked, "Would you mind driving for me?"

"Seriously," Dan screamed.

"I think I sprained my ankle carrying that guy with the headband," Chris groaned.

"Bitch and moan, bitch and moan," Dan complained, "When will it be my turn to get something out of this relationship?"

Dan caves in and gets in the drivers seat, while Chris gets in the passenger's seat. They eventually start driving home.

"So," Dan planned, "Clear your schedule for next week. It's finally time to make Matt Damon pay for making me sit through Ocean's Twelve."

"He did not make you sit through that," Chris came back.

"He did, Chris," Dan screamed, "With his charms and charisma!"

"Right," Chris replied, "Listen, Dan, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about. I won't be able to go on any more 'adventures' with you, at least for a long time."

"What," Dan freaked out, "Oh, don't tell me this is about your stupid wife!"

"Dan," Chris counters, "She's pregnant. When I'm not working, I need to be there for her, taking care of her and making sure she's OK."

"She has two hands and two legs," Dan complained, "She can fend for herself."

"I'm not going to respond to that," Chris deadpanned.

Suddenly, an unmarked van drove into Chris' car. Dan and Chris jumped outside of the car, as did the van driver, who turned out to be a pastor.

"Oh man," Chris cowered, "That's not good."

"You have got to be kidding me," Dan screamed.

"I am so sorry, brother in Christ," the pastor apologized.

"You better be," Dan yelled, "You totally wrecked my friend's wife's car."

"Hey," Chris objected, "It's my car! I paid for it and my name is on the lease."

"Elise's name is on the lease," Dan snapped, "Your baby momma lied to you."

"I guess I was just in a rush to get these kids to our annual Christian camp," the pastor explained.

"Christian," Dan questioned, "Is that even still a thing? I thought that died out when America accepted Charles Darwin's theory that our ancestors were monkeys."

"First of all," Chris responded, "That's a gross simplification of Darwin's theory of evolution. Second of all, there is still debate throughout the country about the origin of human life."

"If I say we came from monkeys," Dan growled, "Then we came from monkeys!"

"Let me move this van for you," the pastor stammered.

The pastor then moves his van, revealing that Chris' car has a large dent, a flat tire, and two broken windows.

"This isn't too bad," Chris observed.

"Really," Dan questioned, "Isn't too bad?"

Dan then opens the backseat door, which makes it come off it's hinges.

"Yeah," Chris readoned, "If I just put on the spare tire, I can at least drive it until I can get it fixed."

"Not at a mechanic's shop, I'm hoping," Dan warned.

Chris and Dan proceed to open the trunk and find out that the spare tire is flat.

"How is that even possible," Dan questioned.

"Hey," Chris asked, pointing to the spare tire, "What's that?"

Chris pulled what punctured the flat tire out, which Dan promptly snatched from his hand.

"A business card," Dan asked.

Dan proceeded to look at the card closer.

"For a church," Dan questioned.

Dan looked at the card even closer.

"A Christian church," Dan growled.

"Oh boy," Chris deadpanned.

"Chrrrrisssstiaaaaaniiiiiityyyyyy," Dan yelled to the sky.

Suddenly, a title card appeared on screen, "Dan Vs." Then, the word "Christianity" appeared underneath, while a choir and church organ played.


	2. The Convincing

It wasn't until early morning when Chris finally returned home. He was greeted with the sight of Elise sitting on the couch.

"Hey Chris," Elise greeted.

"Hey you," Chris responded.

Elise then recieved a peck on the cheek, followed by Chris sitting next to her on the couch.

"How you feeling," Chris questioned, "Anything...off or something? Any internal bleeding? Are your pancreas...ovulating?"

"My pancreas aren't doing that," Elise deadpanned.

"Are they supposed to," Chris woefully asked.

"No, I'm fine," Elise reassured, "How'd it go, talking with Dan?"

"Well," Chris remembered, "The entire conversation, I felt like Dan wanted to strangle me, so better than I expected."

"How is that better than you expected," Elise asked.

"He didn't actually strangle me," Chris answered.

"Alright then," Elise stuttered, "What about you? Are you doing OK, handling all this better?"

"Well," Chris stammered, "It's now been a full 24 hours since my last panic attack."

"That's great," Elise complimented, "Maybe you really are ready to raise our child."

"Yeah," Chris realized, "Maybe I am. Oh, by the way, our car is a bit broken."

"What," Elise yelled, "Dan broke our car?"

"Not Dan," Chris defended, "A van full of Christians. I can still drive it around."

"Well, that's good," Elise breathed, "Because we may not have the money to fix it for a while."

"It still looks pretty bad, though," Chris lamented.

"Hey," Elise countered, "I'm not the one driving it."

"Right," Chris remembered, "Hey, on a totally related note, why did Dan say your name is on the lease for my car?"

"Oh, come on," Elise brushed off, "You know Dan. He'll tell you anything to get you upset when he's mad."

"Yeah," Chris thought out loud, "I guess that's tru..."

Suddenly, the phone rings, causing Chris to curl into a ball and tremble.

"What was that," Chris yelled, "How will I ever be able to raise a child?!"

"Chris," Elise groaned, "It's just the phone."

"Oh," Chris stammered, "Of course. Baby."

Chris then picked up and answered the phone.

"Hello," Chris asked.

"I'm home now," Dan growled, "So get over here."

"Who is this," Chris asked.

"Every time," Dan mumbled, "It's Dan, who else would it be?!"

"Let me guess," Elise deadpanned, "Dan? And he's already got another scheme brewing?"

"He wants to take down Christianity," Chris deadpanned.

"Odd," Elise mused, "I'd have thought he'd go after Buddhism first."

Elise then exited the room, letting Chris talk to Dan.

"Dan," Chris complained, "What are you doing?"

"I need you to get over here right now," Dan growled, "It's time to do what civil libertarians could never do: destroy Christianity."

"Dan," Chris whined, "I was just up all night. I need to rest."

"It's been five minutes since I dropped you off," Dan countered, "What have you been doing all that time?"

"Not sleeping," Chris responded, "Because that's rediculous. Besides, I told you I wouldn't be able to go on any more felonious adventures with you."

"You know I can't accept that answer," Dan screamed, "You will come over this instant!"

"Sorry Dan," Chris apologized, "But I'm putting my foot down on this one."

"No, Chris," Dan demanded, "You are coming over to my house or I swear that I will take Elise's placenta and shove it down her throat."

"We were actually considering eating the placenta anyways," Chris countered.

"Arrrggghhh," Dan growled, "Hang on a second."

Dan then put "baby books" on his enemies list.

"Well," Dan complained, "If you won't come over here to help me, can you at least help me from over there?"

"And how do you expect me to do that," Chris asked.

"Isn't it obvious," Dan asked.

"It really isn't," Chris deadpanned.

"Research Christianity and tell me what you can about it," Dan demanded.

"Fine," Chris gave in.

Chris then got up and went to the computer.

"Well," Chris researched, "It says here that Christianity is a religion focusing on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. It's the world's largest religion, with over 2.4 billion members. Apparently, they believe that Jesus' coming as a messiah was foretold in the past."

"Obviously it was foretold in the past, if it hadn't had happened yet," Dan observed, "Look, none of this is helpful. I need to know the weaknesses of Christianity, it's enemies. How I can hurt it."

"Alright," Chris responded, "It says here that a common way to disprove Christianity is to point out that God created not only Christians, but also athiests."

"Pass," Dan brushed off, "I don't want to argue with anybody, I just want to hurt a major religion. I can always argue with people later. What else you got?"

"Well," Chris researched, "It also says that many Christians find same sex relationships repulsive and against God's way."

"Interesting," Dan thought, "Maybe a quick day trip to Massachusetts, followed by becoming an ordained minister, I can combat Christianity, one pair of cross dressers at a time."

"You know," Chris pointed out, "Same sex marriage is now legal in every state, Dan."

"What," Dan yelled, "Then Christianity's already lost on that front! Are you going to actually help me or keep wasting my time?!"

"Alright, alright," Chris reassured, "Hold on. Oh, Christians are against many forms of sexuality, including pre marital sex and pornography."

"Pornography, eh," Dan questioned, "Does the internet have a lot of that?"

"I'm not entirely sure," Chris deadpanned, "But I imagine it does."

"This could be helpful," Dan thought out loud, "I bet that Christians avoid watching that stuff, but they can't avoid it when it's directly sent to them. All I have to do is make my own pornography."

"Not that I'm encouraging you to get porn, Dan," Chris cautiously proceeded, "But why don't you just get some off the internet?"

"I don't have a computer," Dan objected, "Use your brain sometimes!"

"Well," Chris asked, "How are you going to make your own porn?"

"Do others still consider Elise attractive with her fat, pregnant body," Dan asked.

"Elise is not being in your porn, Dan," Chris objected, "Besides, she's only about a month along. She's not even big yet."

"Sure, to you, she looks about as bland as always," Dan explained, "But, to someone like me, who hasn't been hypnotized, she likely looks like a bloated manatee."

"Goodbye, Dan," Chris stated.

Chris then hangs up the phone.

"He could've at least had the courtesy to ask her," Dan grumbled, "Alright, guess I'll have to look elsewhere for my leading lady."

Dan then calls a different number on his phone, Becky.

"Hello," Becky answered.

"Becky," Dan greeted, "It's Dan. You may not remember me..."

"Go to hell," Becky yelled as she hung up the phone.

"I guess she remembers me," Dan stated, "Well, it won't be pretty, but there's only one thing I can do."

That night, Chris was in bed, while Elise was in the bathroom.

"Chris, have you seen my toothpaste," Elise asked.

"I threw it out," Chris answered.

This revelation made Elise walk into the bedroom.

"Why did you do that," Elise questioned.

"I read somewhere that using toothpaste can complicate a woman's pregnancy," Chris replied.

"Uh huh," Elise deadpanned, "Did you read this, or did Dan read it and tell you about it?"

"Come on, lay off Dan," Chris defended, "He may be against you and me having a baby, but he's been surprisingly helpful. He even offered to substitute for me at childbirthing classes when I'm too busy at work. Granted, it's because he has a grudge on the community center, but still, it's help."

"You don't even work," Elise objected.

"Yet," Chris countered, "I don't work yet."

Suddenly, a series of candles are lit.

"Chris, what's going on," Elise asked.

"I have no idea," Chris answered.

Suddenly, a James Brown album started playing on a record player.

"Chris, I'm not really in the mood tonight," Elise groaned, "Can you please turn that off?"

"I didn't turn it on," Chris objected.

"Start making out," a voice whispered.

Did you say something," Chris asked.

No," Elise denied.

"Take off his pants," the same voice whispered.

"Wait, now I hear it too," Elise gasped.

"No you didn't," the voice whispered.

"Is that Dan," Chris asked.

"No," the voice stammered, "It's...Art Vandelay."

"Dan, get out here," Elise demanded.

Dan emerged from behind a dresser, holding a video camera.

"Geez, someone's cranky at 8:00 P.M.," Dan moaned.

"Were you trying to film me and Elise having sex," Chris demanded.

"Well, nobody else I know would let me do it," Dan explained, "I don't know what you want me to do."

"Is this supposed to be your idea of getting back at Christianity," Elise asked.

"Hey, it's not my fault," Dan pointed out, "Maybe if I actually had Chris to help me, I'd come up with a better idea."

"Forget it," Chris brushed off, "I told you, I'm not helping you anymore."

"Chris, maybe it'd be better if you just helped him with this," Elise gave in.

"But, your pregnant," Chris responded, "You need someone to take care of you."

"I'm only a month along," Elise countered, "If I really need something, I'll call you."

"Come on, Chris," Dan persuaded, "Help me out with this. Be the Communist to my Mother Russia once again."

"If I help you with this, do you promise to leave us alone until after the baby's born," Chris asked.

"I swear on my mother's grave," Dan promised.

"Your mother's still alive," Chris deadpanned.

"Then I swear on the fact that I will put my mother in her grave," Dan promised.

"That's disturbing in six different ways," Chris cowered.

"Will you help me or not," Dan growled.

"Fine," Chris gave in, "I'll help you."

"Perfect," Dan cheered, "We start now."

"It's eight o' clock at night," Chris demanded, "I need to sleep."

"Fine," Dan gave in, "We'll start tomorrow."

"Good night Dan," Elise stated.

"Whatever," Dan grumbled.

Dan walked out of the room. Chris and Elise started falling asleep until Dan walked back into the room.

"Look, we can call it even if Elise lets me send her underwear to a church," Dan bargained.

"Get out," Chris and Elise demanded.

"OK, sheesh," Dan sighed, "Looking forward to seeing the kid you two have."


End file.
